Ok, I'm a prude

Yes, I said 'Prude'. I thought I was pretty 'worldly', you know, I knew a lot about life and what makes the world go around. I have a new job in a convenience store, sells beer, cigs, gas, expensive snacks, lottery tickets and, and, well, condoms.

A young fellow came in the other evening and asked me, "Do y'all sell condoms?" So what does reactive, innocent, shocked lil' ol' me say? I says, " CONDOMS????" There are 1/2 a dozen people in line behind him, they all hear me react like a little old grandma (oh, yeah, I am a little ol' grandma, aren't I?). The poor [horny] young fella shuffles his feet, clears his throat and says, "Yes, Ma am". Ma am. BOY, did I feel like an old crotchety lady then. The line shuffles their feet and look at the floor, ceiling, their groceries in unison.

"Um", I says, looking around desperately, when the other clerk steps up and points the poor embarrassed fellow towards the rack behind the counter. "Which kind do you want, there are three here", she explains. Now I'm dying. I don't want to name the 'flavors' out loud, so I invited the poor [not-so-horny-anymore] fellow behind the counter to pick his own.

He picked out two, a purple box and a red box. Ick. I rang him up and he hurried out.

I've learned several things working at the store: Old ladies spend A LOT of money on lottery tickets. Food stamps buy junk food. Beer sold by the can invites progressively drunken people to cycle in and out the door at least 1/2 a dozen times in a two or three hour period. I have the right (and responsibility) to flag the one who is staggering and slobbering the most, and condoms are a part of life.

I want a job shoveling elephant poop. Elephants don't waste money, drink, play the lottery or need condoms. Hmmm, that would be one big box, huh?

There are no jobs out there?

Dumb luck. Sometimes I stumble into it and sometimes it stumbles into me. That's sort of the story of my life. Take driving a truck: I never, ever, ONCE contemplated climbing into something over 70 feet long and pulling 14K miles a month, AND actually enjoying it. But that's where I ended up. From "would you like more coffee" and "May I take your order?" to "Oh, look, I have 7 stops on this load" and "I wonder what my back-haul will be?"

This change took seconds to happen, not weeks of researching, months of training, studying for a test, applying at multiple companies, the job simply dropped into my lap somewhere between "More coffee?" and "Would you like your check now?".

I stayed with that career (not the same company, though) for almost a quarter of a century. In that time I've been moved into supervisor, dispatcher, trainer, customer service, all with no formal training or even a chase on my part. These opportunities just came to me. And I took them and ran with them, as is my way.

A few jobs I've been tossed into, not against my will, mind you, but with a little protest, like the cat spreading himself wide to avoid being stuffed into the crate. But I persevere, and learn new things anyway.

As a tax preparer, I signed up to be a volunteer, so I thought I knew what I was getting into, but, alas, like the wind blows, I found myself blown into a paid position as a site coordinator. Never saw that coming! But I've enjoyed it, and rose to the challenge. It's been fun, but April 15th looms large, and I've been wondering just what will I do next?

I set out this morning intending to spend money I didn't want to spend. The ignition thingy in my truck gets stuck, and, after a few short cuts trying to get it to work, (graphite, spray), I decided to go to the chevy dealer and pay some over-charging mechanic to replace the dumb thing. After all, I'm pretty impatient, when I want to start the truck and go somewhere, I want to do just that, I DON'T want to sit there in a 90 degree truck and play jiggle jiggy with the switch! Next Monday I'll be about 125.00 buckaroos poorer, but at least I can go-go-go at my smallest whim!

On the way back from making some mechanic really happy with the promise of some bucks next week, I decided to console myself with a cup of joe and a newspaper at my favorite mini-market-gas station-deli. I know the lady that runs the place, she's seen my ugly mug in there before.

So: I'm sitting at a booth, slurping coffee and getting my daily chuckle with the funny page when my friend the store manager saunters over to me, saying something about a job babysitting an old lady once a week for 100 bucks. Well, I've done the babysitting-an-old-lady thing before, and 100 bucks is a 100 bucks, so I said yes, I'll do it. She walked all the way to the front of the store, did a U-turn and came back to my table. "Yes?" I said, interrupting Charlie Brown for a moment, upon which she said, "Forget the job watching the old lady, I need someone to close the store, it's 38 to 40 hours a week, are you interested?"

Once again, a job drops into my lap. I didn't ask for it, had no idea she was hiring, and, best of all, I don't have to wonder what I'm going to do for a paycheck after April 15th.

She has to talk to the big boss and will call me in a few days. There, problem solved for the moment! Maybe she'll move to Timbucktoo and I'll get to manage the place? Ok, don't get ahead of yourself!!

People in a few paragraphs

Hello. I'm a Peep. There are few Peeps in the world, but many People. I don't like people much, I am really good at dealing with People in a business setting, not so good in a personal setting. So this is a short synopsis on People vs. Peeps.

What's the diff, one might ask. Well, I'm here to tell ya. I'll start with People, since I am having a serious attack of I-don't-like-em's. People are, well, people, they emote, so do Peeps, but People emotes are WAY off the charts. I know a people person who gets mad if I don't call her often enough, or have to click out of a conversation to take a business call. Sheesh, must suck to be her, maybe because I'm a Peep and very likable? Correction, I'm very likable until I don't perform up to standards-according-to-People-Laws.

I never liked rules anyway.

I know a People person who likes me only if I am giving my all to please her. I slipped up yesterday, I got down-right SELFISH and went to have fun with someone besides her. I don't feel bad, though, creep that I am, I had a good time and I will relish the memory of that wonderful day in spite of the tsunami it seemed to create in a People's mind.

Funny, I didn't even get wet in the tsunami. Probably because I reject the actuality of the tidal wave.

I don't like waves either, they knock me down and put sand in my pants.

Now on to the the Peeps. I like peeps because even though they might be having their own tsunami, they never throw buckets of waves at other people. They just surf the tide until things calm down. Oh, a tsunami-engulfed Peep might ask for a floaty, or a rope, and I'll gladly throw one, but real Peeps never drag someone under with them.

My Cat is a good Peep. My Sister is a good Peep. I'm a good Peep.

I'm glad I'm not a psychologist. I'd probably go to jail for shaking up a poor-poor-pitiful-me client.

Ok, I'm done blowing off steam. Glass of wine and hot bath sounds like a good ending to a great day in the yard and garden!