Frankenstien is young and handsome

Really, he is! I went to his office today, and, ooohh, boy, was he a looker! Young, buff, with dark wavey hair, dark eyes, and his smile, oh, a smile that would melt the wicked witch of the west.

And I got the honor of his full attention for a whole half hour. Oh, I felt SO lucky, to be in the presense of such a famous and handsome man! He chatted with me, small talk, showed such concern for my needs, I was truely smitten..

He smiled at me, I smiled back, then he said, "this won't hurt much." My heart skipped a beat, was he going to hug me or torture me? I started to worry. "What won't hurt", I asked, starting to wonder if this whole thing was a dream (nightmare?). He turned his back for a moment to pick something up, and to my horror, it was a, a, a PROBE thingy, with wires attatched, his warm smile started to look a little sinister..

"Wha, what are you going to do with that thing?" I asked. He answered with a professor-like disertation on how he was going to send shocks through my arm and hand, reiterated that it wouldn't hurt much, but I might feel a bit of discomfort. A BIT? Can I go now? Mr. Handsome-dark-haired-smiling-famous-guy put some sticky papers on my arm, hooked up some wires to it, and, smiling warmly at me, stuck the probes on my arm.

OUCH! Mr. Monster (as I thought of him by now) smiled warmly and had the nerve to say, "Good." He shocked me several more times, each time smiling and saying how good it was.

I'm thinking at this point, 'touch me with that thing again and we're gonna go at it and you ain't gonna like it, mister'!! He must have read my mind, because he declared once more that it was good, (what, are you god now, you did it and saw it was good??), and put the prong thingy down, pulled my sticker-thingy's off and put the wires away. Whew. Can I go now?

Oh, no, Dr. Frankenstien wasn't done with me yet. He pulled out a NEEDLE, it looked like a darning needle that might have come out of my knitting basket. "What are you going to do with THAT?" I asked, fear welling up like a tidal wave. I SWEAR I heard him chuckle, sinister creep that he was. "I'm going to poke you and listen to the sound waves". Yeah, sound waves that will surely come from my screams of agony! He poked me once on the palm of my hand, and seeming to enjoy my discomfort, proceeded to poke me 3 more times, drawing blood once. Now I was sure I hated him, he was ugly, mean and evil!

He got done poking and shocking me, gave me a kleenex to wipe up the blood and declared that there was no visable nerve damage to my hand. Oh, maybe there wasn't when I came in here but now my whole arm is jumping like a scared armidillo!

The purpose of this torture, um, I mean test, was to find out why I am having pain and weakness in my right hand. Darn right I have pain, after being shocked and poked with a 6 inch needle! At least he didn't put bolts in my neck.

DD's bed and bath (room)

I was rudely awakened around 4:30 this morning, not by the cat this time, but by a huge vice grip crushing my gut. After rolling around and trying to ignore it for a while, I decided maybe I better go visit the small room off my bedroom. It was there I found out why my gut was screaming. There was some kind of junk in it that needed to be removed.

I spent the next 4 or 5 hours removing junk, not really my idea of a fun time, but I guess I hadda do what I hadda do... and doooo, and dooo....

I think I lost about 5 pounds, but I digress. I am exhausted now, I slept all day, which is ok with me but my boss, or should I say now ex-boss, didn't believe me that I was too sick to come to work. Well I fixed her stupid butt, I called the girl that's filling in for me today and got her to fill in for me tomorrow, which, by the way, was supposed to be my last day.

The last time I was sick like this was in 2006, when I ate at a waffle house in Satsuma, Alabama, and got food poisoning. I wonder what I ate this time? Oh, I guess I'll survive, I have to, there's too much funny stuff out there in this crazy world to write about!

Meanwhile, the cat sits, looking at me, wondering when I'm going to get around to throwing his stuffed mouse for him. I see him planning a great revenge for my inactivity; He's probably going to try to wake me up in the middle of the night to play. Darned nocturnal fool....

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, the evil one strikes

I hate my job, it's like going to 9th grade homeroom with no teacher, every stinking day. We hired a new girl, yes, girl! She's all of 21 or so, and acts like 15. She's been on the job for a few days and I got the Privilege (Huh?) of training her tonight. I also got the honor of working with another 20 or so year old kid. Now the second one, she does work, now and then, a bit scattered, but she will work. Well, when she's not hiding in the supply closet to call her boyfriend, who, go figure, doesn't have a job.

So 9th grader number one, the new one, likes to text, giggle, text some more, and then show off her received texts. One was a toilet with a huge tongue in it. EWWWYUK was my response. Well, it that one wasn't good enough for me, she showed me another one. A naked fat guy on all fours, the joke was, "Watch out for Swine Flu". "Ok, put the thing back in your pocket" was my evil response. To my surprise, the phone flashed back in the pocket as though I had a gun to her head. If only...... Nyuk, nyuk!

I put her on a job and dragged her back to it half a dozen times. The deli was really slow, we should have been able to get all the work done an hour early.. Yeah, right.

At 40 minutes before closing I called across the [class] room and said, with great old-person-authority, "WE HAVE 40 MINUTES AND THIS PLACE IS A MESS! LET'S GET DONE HERE!"

Again, to my great surprise, both girls jumped like I had put a hot poker up.. well, you know the story.. After a few minutes of hard work, the boyfriend and a friend came up and the work stopped again. I was sloshing in the sink, (girl number two's job), when I heard the guy-friend say, "I'm wearing your panties", giggle giggle. The evil one, (that'd be me) whirled around and said, "Hey, stop that kind of talk, you are in public!". Stupid guy number 2 said, "We're not in public". DUH, stupid, you're in a STORE! "This IS public and you stop that kind of talk!" I scolded.

More surprise, the stupid oaf apologized. "We have 20 minutes", I bark, beginning to love this.

The boyfriend and his dumb guy-friend moved off and the wheels of production started again. We got done just before closing time, but there was one more thing that needed to get done, I had mentioned it several times over the course of the long 5 hours I had been forced to put up with this class, but it didn't get done. Both girls headed for the time clock, but I stopped girl # 1 and MADE her go do the undone chore before I would allow her to punch out.

I'm so evil! Nyuk, nyuk, loving it all the way!

You've been replaced

Notice that I have a new picture on my blog. This is my beloved Kelita, a mini Pekingese. She was my trucker-buddy, she's seen more of the country, walked more miles in the desert and Rockies than most people have. She died in 2007. I miss her terribly.

The other night I had a dream that my Mother was alive again, (EEEEK)! She was at my sisters house this time, in a hospital bed, and all the sibs were there. In typical Mom-fashion, she was lambasting my youngest sib. My oldest sib scolded her, "If you don't straighten up you're going to a nursing home"! This served to agitate the Mom-figure even more, as she lay on the bed with the only working part of her running a mile a minute, her mouth.

I went to sit on her bed and try to calm her down, and she BIT me. So, (since in dreams you can do anything you want, or don't want...), I bit her back. I bit her cheek so hard I drew blood, which drew immediate regret from my stone-cold heart. The Mom-figure started to cry, "You bit me!", she exclaimed. "No kidding I bit you", I grouched, "and if you bite me again, I'll bite you back!"

Well, the mean ol' thing bit me again, on the wrist. To strangle her here and now or to not, what to do..... I got up off the bed and moved away from her. To every ones great surprise, she got off the bed, no, she JUMPED up, grabbed her cane and started chasing me. I ran into the kitchen to get away from her, only to find she could not only run as fast as I could, she could swing that cane like a samurai sword at me. I grabbed a broom to spar with her, all the while calling for someone, anyone, to come help me. At this point, I would have liked to see her tackled to the ground and hand-cuffed to a two ton concrete post.

As dreams would have it, (why, oh why?), nobody came to my rescue and I woke myself up screaming. When I awoke, my rescue-cat was laying on my chest wondering what all the excitement was. After turning on every available light in the house, I got myself back into reality, told the Mom-figure to go back where she came from and went back to bed.

Since she is there (I hope!) and I am here, I decided to replace her picture. Well, ok, the dog is dead too but the dog never came back and bit me after she died!

Sweet dreams, DD, only sweet dreams are allowed from here on out!!!

Nature at it's best

I was driving home the other evening, after dark again, I'm getting used to this 'dark stuff' after almost a year of being pampered, safe and secure in my house with real lights and all..

Any-hoo, when I turn on my road I have a HUGE hill to go up and over to get to my house. The hill is about a mile up, and a mile back down. It's really, really dark on the hill, at night, of course. I think the boogey man might live up there, in perfect harmony with the armadillos, bob-cats, coyotes, turkey, buzzards (that puke on your car if you upset them), deer and the one and only little black bear anyone has seen around here.

So, I turned up my road and started up the hill, and my headlights caught sight of a large dog, no, a small deer! This little guy couldn't have been very old, it was all spindly-legged and tiny, with the brilliant spots only a recently new-born would have. This little bugger was standing in the middle of my lane, and upon my arrival, it started to run. Up the hill. On the road. There is nothing but woods on both sides of the road for two miles, plenty of opportunity for the poor bugger to dive off the road, but it stayed in front of my car, running for it's poor little life.

So I slowed down, followed it for a while, then 'Beep, Beep' I made my horn say. Oh, the poor critter started trying to run faster up the steep hill, his little hoofs slipping, I felt bad. I grabbed my camera to get a shot at it but all I got was glare off my windshield. Rats. Poor-little-scared-bugger ran a whole mile to the top of the hill, passing several spots that had easy access to the woods, until it finally stopped on the crest to hang it's head and pant. Now I was really feeling sorry for it.

I stopped the car, got out with camera in hand, first I wanted a pic of it standing in my headlights, and second I wanted to usher it into the woods. Well, it got one look at big-ol-mean-I'm-gonna-eat-you-me and started running again, still on the road. The crest of the road ended and started to climb again, by now it had run about a mile. It got in the opposite lane and I pulled up beside it, to One; get a pic, and Two, chase it into the woods. Poor dumb thing turned towards my car and bumped off the front left fender, which panicked it even more, if that was possible!

It got back in front of me and ran like I was the devil himself, for another half a mile or so, until it found a driveway on the left to dive into. And he was gone. I hoped for two things: The run didn't kill him and he finds his dear deer mommy, I'm sure he was hungry after the marathon! And I bet he stays off the road from now on, too!

Baby on the shelf

Isn't she cute? I named her Alley. Aww, so cute, such a quiet baby, haven't heard her cry yet, she doesn't fuss when I hold her...

I found her laying on a shelf. I was appalled that someone would leave a nearly newborn baby laying on the edge of a shelf 3 feet from a hard floor, but, well, people do strange things. 'Specially in these-here parts.

When I first saw her lying on the shelf, I thought someone had given her black eyes, you know, popped her one. Turns out the 'black eye' affect was simply new-born veins that show on, well, new-borns.

After exclaiming loudly, "There's a BABY on this shelf!", the real owner came over and offered to let me hold her. The owner picked the poor baby up by ONE ARM. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. But the baby didn't fuss, she just hung there like a rag doll. I was becoming more and more confused by the second. Is the kid dead? Mentally challenged? Comatose? And, why in the world was it laying on the edge of a shelf???

Turns out it IS a rag doll. Oh, what a relief, the thing isn't a poor abused, neglected and abandoned real kid after all. Ok, I regathered my scattered thoughts and emotions enough to ask some questions about it. The owner makes these things, (so stinking REAL looking) and sells them, for upwards to 400 buckaroos. Cheaper than a real baby and a whole lot less trouble, I guess. "What's with the bruised eyes?" I asked. The owner explained that she buys plain looking-life-sized baby dolls and paints new-born veins into them, puts a little make-up on, glues some hair on and dresses them up. Stinking spooky things sell like hot-cakes.

Now, I am positively SPOOKED OUT by real-looking dolls, well, ok, fake-looking ones too. And the owner wants me to hold the thing. Trying not to make a face, (I failed at that attempt), I held my arms out to take it. She gently (gently after scooping it up by one arm?) placed it in my outstretched arms, as though it were really alive.

I sort of held it at arms length, feeling Owners questioning eyes on my, I'm sure wondering why I was acting like it was a python or something. I gave it back, explaining that it looked really nice, I was sorry, but it spooked me out. Yeah, well, she thinks I'm weird!

I tried to continue my work day and forget the whole thing but, honestly, I tried really hard to avoid that part of the deli until the thing went home! I think she might be a cousin to Chucky, or maybe one of those Children of the Corn. I don't know, I don't care, just keep it away from me!

Murder in the Livingroom

I worked till dark today, first time I've driven in the dark in a long, long time. It seemed weird, to only see what my headlights would allow! I got home and discovered that I didn't leave a light on for myself, so I stumbled around in the dark, trying to find the right key and then the right hold, finally letting myself into my dark living room.

I fumbled around and found a light switch, bathing the living room in light. Ah, I can see now!

Ok, the cat is here, my furniture is still where I left it, all is well. I'm tired, can't wait to get into my jammies and flop in a chair, read a while and go to bed.

WAIT! What's that moving over on the floor by the cat, and speaking of cat, why is he acting so strange, what's he hiding over there? As my eyes travel across the room to the cat my sight stumbles across some red spots on the rug.

BLOOD? No way, this is a MALE cat, HE, the BOY cat doesn't have 'times of season'. Where is this blood coming from? OH! Another spot, and another, and another, GEEZ, what happened here while I was gone?

I look again at the cat, acting very 'cattish', hunkering over some kind of, of, Prize. I got up and navigated my way around the many, many blood spots on my rug, shooed the cat away to find a poor, pitiful, injured, alive and struggling mouse.

Ah, Mr. Mouse, YOU are the provider of the blood spots! I picked the poor critter up by the tail, feeling very sorry for him/her/it as he/she/it looked up at me as if to say, "Are you my rescuer"? Well, Mr. (Ms.?) Mouse, I do have a penchant for rescuing poor, pitiful little animals but you don't quite meet the criteria.

I took him/her/it outside and set it free, if you can call putting an injured 3 ounce animal out into the wild 'free', much to the cat's chagrin.

To make matters worse, in the cat's eyes, I had the nerve to clean up the blood and disinfect the area. That cat hates me!

Well, at least the cat is earning his keep!