I went to see the Maternal Figure this morning, seems she had another mini-stroke. She is so weak that when she sat up in bed she listed over like the leaning tower of Pisa on soft ground.
She is so weak that she can't cough, can't hold her coffee cup or spoon, can't open a soda bottle, let alone get it to her lips and tip it up...
I had a dog, a mini- Pekingnese, Kelita was her name. I knew when she was 6 weeks old that her life would be short. She had seziures, allergies and a whole host of secondary problems caused by the medicines she was on. The vet told me that every day past age 6 would be a blessing. I was blessed for almost a year after age 6. At that time, I had to do the most awful thing, kiss her goodbye and let the vet give her the fatal shot.
Starting with the day I brought her home, I became her god, the one and only that provided her food, warmth, care, love and dicipline, and, ultimately, I provided her with a time of death. Why did I 'take my dog out' of this life? Because she was suffering unbelievable misery and was slowly dying a horrible day-by-day death and I, as her god, chose to end her misery. I bought her her favorite n0-no food, a big fat hotdog, took her to her favorite park and gave the best day I could have before the final visit to the vet.
Up until that day, she was my god-example. She loved me unconditionally, adored me even if I was having a grouchy day, and always, ALWAYS forgave me no strings attached.
So who is this guy in the sky with a lightning bolt coming out of the end of his finger, the guy with the long white beard and infinite wisdom anyway? You know, the guy who loves us so much he let his son die a horrible death to save us from our sins: The guy who loves us unconditionally, the guy who provides even the birds and the foxes, the guy who will makes the very stones cry out in worship of him if we don't get around to it once in a while? AND forgive us for forgetting him once in a while.
My {sinful} question is this: If this big guy that brought-us-into-this-world-and-can-take-us-out loves us half as much as I loved my dog, then why are people allowed to writhe in pain, gasp for breath, puke up every meal and live in complete misery until they drown in their own phlegm? My question is this: Why doesn't this all-knowing-all-loving god just take her home or where ever dead people go?
The church people say suffering comes from sin. Well I submit that the Maternal Figure hasn't exactly done the right thing every time but I vehemently deny that she acted in some kind of sin knowingly. This woman has scratched and struggled her whole life, and sin came TO her, not FROM her.
So why is she 'allowed' to lay in such pain, have her dignity thrown in the toilet and struggle for every breath? If she were my dog, she would be out of her misery by now. Go ahead, think I'm evil and hateful, I don't care. Watching a proud, independent woman suffer like this has added 10 years to my life and in my wee little know-nothing wisdom, it's not fair, what she's going through! God, if you're listening or reading, what the heck are you doing????
oh, that is an absolutely awesome, powerful post. WELL DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteu do not know me but i hope i can say screw that type of god that would do less than u did for your dog ... thus my present conclusion that perhaps god is nothing more than a cultural construct of whatever society you were born into ... perhaps there is no god ... perhaps we spend too much energy blaming a god who really is not there when we have been told all our lives that he is there ... well i for one am tired of the mental gymnastics it takes to find fine god-answers for real life pain that he seemingly does not give a flippin f#^! about if he does exist ... sorry if i ranted too much for a first time poster but i hear what you are saying and have been in some similar places that religion and the big guy in the sky had no answers for way too many times ... i hope for a peaceful end for every human and animal ...
ReplyDeleteDD, if you recognize Jim's name, it's because you've heard me mention him. I asked him to read your post because it's such an awesome post. Jim and his family are good peeps.
ReplyDeleteMan I have so been there. Not with the Maternial Unit but the Fraternal one. My whole life I have watched my hadicapped father struggle and there was a time that I asked the same questions that you did. Then I got an answer the answer is that sometimes God allows the suffering for otherpeoples benifit not yours not the person you love but those watching and wondering how can that person still love God. My Father hates the pain and the struggle but he loves it when people ask him why he still loves and serves God. HE tells them. I know that isnt easy in your pain and I hope that you find an answer that you can accept.
ReplyDeleteJim, thank you for your post. I gave up on organized religion a long time ago, I really don't believe the 'god' people worship today is what the real 'god' (or whatever it is) was meant to be. Taanks, too, for reading.
ReplyDeletePastor George, I hear your words and I appreciate the kindness, I agree that we lead by example and any strength I show in this tragedy will encourage others to have 'faith' and/or be strong themselves. BUT, isn't there a better way for God to know you love him and trust him than dragging some poor old lady through the dirt? I would rather see a valley and his hand leading me instead....
ReplyDeleteThis was an amazing post. I'm humbled.
ReplyDelete