Sunday, May 31, 2009

By this, I know you love me

It's been a long hard 36 hours. About 36 hours ago, I received a call from the nursing home telling me to come in, she's dying.

I hopped out of the tub, swished a towel over my dripping bod and threw some cloths on, and drove to the nursing home with several thoughts running through my head as fast as my car was running down the road.

It's over, she'll finally find rest:

It's over, I'll finally find rest:

I hope I can get my hair combed out after it gets dry:

I wonder if she'll be alive when I get there...

She was alive when I got there, in great distress. Hospice was there, along with most of the night crew of the nursing home. Ah, a party in Mom's room! She'll appreciate the attention, or will she?

The 'death rattle' was very loud and distressing to all of us. A handful of sad eyes watched me come, the party parted like the red sea so I could get to her side. They gave me her vitals, pretty darned good reading for a dying person, and showed me her leg, all black from lack of oxygen. Ok, it'll be over soon.

As the hours dragged by, the nurses and hospice noted that only one leg had turned black and cold, "I've never seen anything like it, one leg bad, one leg good, usually oxygen deprivation is bilateral", they told me. Yeah, well, Mom has to be different.

Nursing staff stopped in after hours, one lady on the way home from watching her grandson play a ball game, the administrator stayed long past her 'going home' time, actually she stayed till 3am. Hmm, these people really like 'Miss LaDonna'! Everyone had tears, oh, Miss LaDonna was their best resident, never complained, the sickest one in the home, blah-blah...

I started reviewing, in my mind, the past. Life with her as a child, as an adult and mostly life over the past 9 months since she came here. I looked around at the mountain of stuff we had brought her that she never used. Oh, how much stuff I have to pack up and take home. Throw it out? Give it away? Take it to a yard sale? I was beginning to see what I would be doing for the next several weeks after I buried her. Oh, yeah, give my brother back his radio and electric blanket. Hoorah, that much is figured out!

I remembered my sister, helping her move stuff around when she was here at the house, helping her pack for her new life at the nursing home. One sentence FS said to her rides along in my mind, "Hold on Mom, you're moving at lightning speed, I can't keep up", were FS's words to Mom as orders were snapped out one on top of the other.

I thought of the electric keyboard in her room, here at the house. Mom wanted it moved around in her room, to make it easier to play. She never touched it. Then she wanted it moved to the living room, so she could play it out there. Oh, and put this stand here and bring that over here, put this in that drawer, get me a power cord.... run, run, back and forth, from her room to the living room, move stuff around, finally wear her out and get peace as she finally put her busy head on the pillow and took a break.

She never used that stuff, eventually asking to have it moved back into her room. This time it was older brother running at 'lightning speed' trying to keep up with her instructions and please her.

Rearranging the house several times, asking for meals that never got eaten, requesting items from a store that was almost 40 miles away, (sometimes stuff that ended up being food for the pet rat), bring me this, go get that, turn the TV up, down, change the channel, that was her main activity here.

What the heck is up with this woman, anyway? Then I remembered going to visit her on the way back from California in my truck. I got permission(from her landlady) to park a Peterbuilt at her house. How was the visit? Well, pretty good, short, only 7 hours, (all I could take, to be honest), but during the visit she decided I needed to go grocery shopping for her. What? "Don't you get your groceries delivered", I asked. Well, yeah, but she wanted ME to go for her. I reminded her that all I had was a big truck. So what, go anyway, was the end result.

So I go to the store, in a 379 Peterbuilt with a 72 inch bunk. That's the truck with the big square nose, L-O-N-G nose, with a Condo Sleeper, big, big. I dragged 7 bags of groceries out and was piling them in the truck, fully aware that I was getting stares of astonishment from other shoppers. This was a small town, big trucks aren't a regular sight there!

So here she lies, in the bed, should have been dead a week ago, and surely shouldn't be alive with one dead leg, shut-down kidneys and no real food for the last few weeks. Blood pressure 118-over-48. 48, geez, that's low! But she's still alive, getting turned, re-arranged, diaper checked, morphine given, and lots of kisses, touches, and 'I love You's" from the staff.

Why? My answer? By moving stuff around over and over, buying stuff that won't be used, and all this fussing over her at the nursing home, by all that, she knows she is loved. What are her last un-spoken words to the world?

"Do this for me and I'll know you love me".

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

On Vacation

I took the day off today. I spent a few hours this morning re-addressing some old, OLD stuff. Old like about 35 years ago old. Ticks me right the heck off when stuff creeps up on me and drop kicks me to the floor, but I've learned to roll with it, things get better MUCH faster if I roll with the punch.

So I rolled with the punch, had a good sniffling, hitching and snotty cry and decided to take the day off. I'm glad I did, for several reasons.

One: She slept all day anyway.
Two: She eats for other people if she gets hungry enough, and
Three: I'm not the all-powerful-saviour-of-the-world/family anyhoo!

What did I do on my day off? I went to visit a friend, bought myself a big fat box of Frosted Flakes and came home to pig out. I mowed the lawn, weeded my flower bed and now? I'm drinking wine like a person who deserves the best. (thought I was gonna say 'wine-o, huh?)

I think I'll take a long hot bath, get in my jammies, (yeah, so what it's only 3:30 in the afternoon, it's 5 O'Clock somewhere!) and watch movies. I hear the cheese and crackers calling me, and my wine glass is almost empty.

Have a great day, everyone.

Dummer Ants

It's been an up-and-down week, watching poor ol' maternal figure cry out in pain as the nurses shuffle her around to change her bedding, mess with her butt sore and try unsuccessfully to keep her on her side. She can cough better on her side, not to mention keeping off the horrible looking hole in her back side.

The poor thing is in a diaper and goes potty from a laying down position on a bed pan. I feel more sorry for her loss of dignity than I could ever feel sorrow for her pain and impending loss of life.... But she has a way of making it all better. Sort of like kissing a boo-boo better when I was 5 years old.

The other day I had a spoon of some kind of nursing home slop they call lunch and she was trying to grab for the spoon. Instead, she latched onto my index finger and pulled, pulled harder, and pulled yet again as a puzzled look crept onto her face. "You're pulling my finger, Mom" I told her. "Oops!" she said as the puzzled look was replaced by a small grin. Her eyes can't see, haven't seen a thing sans hallucinations for years, but that doesn't mean those eyes can't twinkle with mischief! "I might regret that" was her answer. Silly woman, I chuckled with her.

She tries so hard to chat, but her mouth simply doesn't obey her brain-commands sometimes, she was mumbling something about ant poison. Remembering a Murder Mystery we watched on TV a hundred years ago when she was still here at the house? Not sure... But I got the jist, we're talking about ant poison now, ok, I can follow that line.

I launch into a story about how I put ant poison on the ant hills in my yard but instead of dying, the ants simply move 2 feet over and start a new hill. In all her wisdom, (for surely old people have much wisdom to share); "Maybe you need dummer ants" she mumbles. I snicker, giggle, she smiles.

I popped in to see her the other day, she grabs for me in a panic, "WHERE'S THE DOG!?" The dog? The dog is with Ron. "Ok", she says, then; "WHERE'S THE CAT, WHERE IS THE CAT????" Her hand was flailing around, looking for my hand, or maybe the cat.

"The cat is home, on the porch", I tell her. "Oh", she settles down again. Next question from her was; "Are you going to Las Cruces today"? Las Cruces? I don't think so! I tell her no, she asks why and I explain that Las Cruces is a long, long way. She asked where I was going if not Las Cruces, I tell her I'm going home. "HOME?? That's an awful long drive, isn't it"? she asks

Aww, geez, she thinks she's back in New Mexico. I explained that home was close, about 25 miles, "Just up the road, Mom, real close". I could almost hear the wheels turning in her head as she tried to process that information. I saw her face relax as she separated the un-known from the known. 'Oh, yeah, I'm in Tennessee' was the read on her face. Poor thing...

I talked her into going outside for lunch yesterday, the nurses lifted her into a geri-chair and wheeled her outside. It was really nice out, about 70 degrees with a fantastic breeze. The breeze was trying to blow in some rain but only managed to blow in a TON of humidity. This made her cough uncontrollably and she was rushed back inside for her oxygen. Oh, I felt bad, but I'm glad she got to go outside. I think if she had her druthers, she'd die outside as opposed to inside....
The nurses shuffled her back into bed, amid her cries of pain. (She reminds me of my liquid cat, just hanging there in their arms). When they got her back on the bed they said "There, that wasn't so bad, right?" Mom said she had her doubts, that they might drop her. Then she said, "But I bounce, bounce like a ball". I guess she should know, she's been dropped here, once by me, once by my brother. Yes, she bounces like a ball, but more than physically, she bounces back to 'happy' even in the face of death. What can I learn from her?

Monday, May 11, 2009

Dogs, People and God

I went to see the Maternal Figure this morning, seems she had another mini-stroke. She is so weak that when she sat up in bed she listed over like the leaning tower of Pisa on soft ground.

She is so weak that she can't cough, can't hold her coffee cup or spoon, can't open a soda bottle, let alone get it to her lips and tip it up...


I had a dog, a mini- Pekingnese, Kelita was her name. I knew when she was 6 weeks old that her life would be short. She had seziures, allergies and a whole host of secondary problems caused by the medicines she was on. The vet told me that every day past age 6 would be a blessing. I was blessed for almost a year after age 6. At that time, I had to do the most awful thing, kiss her goodbye and let the vet give her the fatal shot.


Starting with the day I brought her home, I became her god, the one and only that provided her food, warmth, care, love and dicipline, and, ultimately, I provided her with a time of death. Why did I 'take my dog out' of this life? Because she was suffering unbelievable misery and was slowly dying a horrible day-by-day death and I, as her god, chose to end her misery. I bought her her favorite n0-no food, a big fat hotdog, took her to her favorite park and gave the best day I could have before the final visit to the vet.


Up until that day, she was my god-example. She loved me unconditionally, adored me even if I was having a grouchy day, and always, ALWAYS forgave me no strings attached.


So who is this guy in the sky with a lightning bolt coming out of the end of his finger, the guy with the long white beard and infinite wisdom anyway? You know, the guy who loves us so much he let his son die a horrible death to save us from our sins: The guy who loves us unconditionally, the guy who provides even the birds and the foxes, the guy who will makes the very stones cry out in worship of him if we don't get around to it once in a while? AND forgive us for forgetting him once in a while.


My {sinful} question is this: If this big guy that brought-us-into-this-world-and-can-take-us-out loves us half as much as I loved my dog, then why are people allowed to writhe in pain, gasp for breath, puke up every meal and live in complete misery until they drown in their own phlegm? My question is this: Why doesn't this all-knowing-all-loving god just take her home or where ever dead people go?


The church people say suffering comes from sin. Well I submit that the Maternal Figure hasn't exactly done the right thing every time but I vehemently deny that she acted in some kind of sin knowingly. This woman has scratched and struggled her whole life, and sin came TO her, not FROM her.


So why is she 'allowed' to lay in such pain, have her dignity thrown in the toilet and struggle for every breath? If she were my dog, she would be out of her misery by now. Go ahead, think I'm evil and hateful, I don't care. Watching a proud, independent woman suffer like this has added 10 years to my life and in my wee little know-nothing wisdom, it's not fair, what she's going through! God, if you're listening or reading, what the heck are you doing????

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Why am I so Mad??

Well, I''ll just tell ya, yep, that's what I''l do! Seems FS and DD's brother came sneaking up here to visit our Mother. What's the big deal about that? After all, I can't keep him from his 'Mama', he is her son, after all... Isn't it nice that a son drives 650 miles to see his Mother?

Of course it is. VERY sweet, in fact. So why am I so Mad about it?

This hot, seething anger goes back a little ways, so I'll begin back there:

He was coming up here and staying a month at a time to 'help' me take care of her when she was living with me. Time away from his loving wife, home, all that. Sweet, really nice of the guy, of course. How many people drop their lives to take care of a person who dropped us so many years ago?

Oh yeah, I did just that, didn't I? Quit two jobs and threw my career to the wind to take care of her. So who's sweeter, him or me? After all, he didn't quit a job for her.. But that's not the point.
What is the point, why am I so Mad about a son dropping and running to see his 'Mama'?
I'm so Mad because for every trip he made up here, Mom coughed up around 600 buckaroos for him, travel expenses, cigarettes, food, ok, I was sorta ok with that, it was her money and her choice.
So, how helpful was he? He did bust his butt to build her a wheel chair ramp. A neighbor and I helped him, it was never completed but it was functional.. that was nice too...

AND he made a mess in the house, sent me to the store for his special foods, "I want THIS brand, not what you bought" and "I have to have THIS kind of cereal" and of course a carton of cigarettes every 4th or 5th day.. Oh, and don't forget, "I'm stuck in this house with Mom while you run to the store every few days, that's not fair"..... I offered him (yet) MORE money to go to the park, eat out, go to the store, get out of the house. I guess complaining was more fun than going out for a free restaurant meal gas money included... Yeah, I was Miffed, but not Mad, not yet anyway.

What made me mad was the bottle of whisky, the huge coffee can full of pain pills, the beautiful day and night sleep they afforded him, and the fact that his bucket of pills weren't enough, he had to slip his nasty hands into our Mother's pain pills too, then lie about it. NOW I was getting
MAD.
I gave him money and sent him home, never let him come back again. He's Mad at me for that. Oh well, bud, sucks to be you. His wife got on the phone with me to remind me that I can't keep him away from his 'Mama" and that he was depressed. I should have told her what I was thinking, but I was too nice. Always too nice..... I should have told her that she's married to a pill-popping lazy mooch and if he got a job maybe he wouldn't be so "Deprayussed". (Maybe the world should be Depraved but I digress..

So I calls him and tells him Mom isn't doing so well and maybe he should think about coming to see her soon. Answer? "I don't have any Moneeeeyyyyy, You need to send me Moneeeeyyyy".

Eye Roll here, well, maybe Eye Roll along with a heavy Sigh.. Ok, I tell him I'll take a day or two and figure out a way to provide him with a {all expense paid vacation} way to get here.
I called my other brother who lives a few hours south of moocher, oops, above mentioned brother, (must be a typo in the end of my fingers..) and other brother says he will pick up mooc, I mean above mentioned brother and let him ride along next weekend.

Since I don't have travel dates yet, I didn't call poor pitiful {yes, I'm Mad} brother and let him know he's the proud winner of an all expense paid weekend get-away to Tennessee.
Seems Moocher, let-my-wife-support-me-and clean-up-after-me lazy pill popping brother suddenly must have won the lottery, because, GUESS WHAT? He's here in Tennessee.
Problem? He snuck up here and never let me off the hook of finding his all expense paid way up here.

So, words that come to mind... Sneak, Liar, Mooch, Trouble Maker, and Money Grubber. Pill Popper, Cry Baby, I'm not Mad because he came to see the Maternal Figure as she lies dying in the bed, I'm Mad because of all of the above-mentioned. And you know what? If he upsets Mom like he did on the phone, I'm gonna be more than Mad, I'm going to zoom right up to PISSED OFF. Guess I should leave the gun home, huh?

Monday, May 4, 2009

Confused?? !!!









Life can be confusing... take my new job for example. Too many hands in the vegetable patch. I have a boss/owner. I have a farm manager, old fella, he is, all of about 25. I have a Chicken manager, young thing, pretty girl, tom-boyish type, all of 22.


I like her, hard worker, talker, she is, stories upon stories. "I've been to Hawaii" and "My niece and nephew are the best things since sliced bread", "Wanna hear my life's story? Great, my dad, my mother, my grandma, blah, blah". Great girl, I like her.



I'll start the story with her. She's worked there for a year, got promoted (if you can call it that) to supervisor over the chickens. Now, she KNOWS her job, does it well, and works her tail off. Explains what she wants her underlings to do in very clear terms, gets tough on the ones that want to goof off, yeah, I like her. I wonder if she's related to me? She's about as bossy as I am! Yup, I like her a lot. She got a day off, after working every day for two weeks straight. She got a ride to her sisters house, which is something like 80 miles from her car and her house. Mr. Farm Manager called her three, count-em, THREE times on her day off, doubted her honesty about where she was and what she was doing, made her cry three, count-em, THREE times that day. Why did he do that? He wanted her to come in NOW on her day off. Creep.


Speaking of three, I'll move on to my three, count-em THREE supervisors I had to deal with on Saturday. Mr. Farm Manager told me to work with supervisor One. Ok, One-guy is cool, gave me things to do, explained clearly what he wanted, we worked well together for about 1/2 and hour, until Mr. Hot-Shot Farm Manager came along, asked me what I was doing. Upon hearing my answer, his reply was that I wasn't to do things the way Mr. One told me, I was to do things HIS (Hot Shot's) way. OOOKAAAY. One went away dejected.

THEN supervisor Two comes along, asks me what I'm doing, I explain and get, "I'm running this operation, don't listen to anyone but me".

Great. Who's in charge here anyway? I looked around at the dozen or so people trying to get the job done, and I saw Organized Chaos. It took us about 12 hours to get 6 hours of work done. I've only been on the job one week and I'm flat-out exhausted.
I HATE, HATE, HATE to quit a job. Especially after one week. I think I'm going to end up doing just what I hate. These people are gonna kill me, either from stress or exhaustion.

I came home and checked my plants, the ones I planted in those new topsy turvy things, I feel like those plants, wondering which way is up..
Now I'm a tough cookie, see me on my brother's Harley. (Heh, looks like I'm riding, huh?), I can deal with confused plants, not confused people in the work place..
AND my cat hates me for leaving him every day. SHEESH!!!!